My Thoughts Always: Once a Bully

In recent news, bullies are getting arrested all over the place.  I think we have social media to thank for that.  Sadly, bullies are the focus because someone died most likely due to the depression placed on the victim.   I am incredibly happy, that after all these years, that people now know about bullies.

I was bullied until I stood up and took action.  When I reach my boiling point, I tend to do something about it.  I already had a tough time because of where I came from.  I had other factors to add fodder for a bully.  Me being awkward with myself and my weight.  I was always overweight.

It's now being said that the more creative types are susceptible to bullies.  Those of us who are creative are more sensitive and therefore, it's easy pickings.  If that's the case, I must have had a hunting bulls-eye placed on me.  I was quiet and much like today, I wrote a lot.  That wasn't all though.  I sang in the choir, was a member of my high school tv channel, and hung out with the theatrical types.  To say I was creative is probably an understatement,

For the most part, I ignored the bullies.  I knew they weren't worth my time and in the scheme of things they would only be in my life for a short period of time.  That's what kept me going.  Sure, there were days that I wanted to skip school and just cry and on some days I did cry.  I tried to fit in but fitting in meant that I would have to abuse another person and if that was the price of popularity, it wasn't worth it.

I don't need to feel bigger by emotionally or physically abusing others.  I had been abused pretty much most of my childhood.  Most of it I was able to put in the past and barely remember it.  There was one incident that violated me so deeply that even now it's hard to write about but I am going to find the words.  This story needs to be heard because I moved past this and kids need to understand that you can have a happy life eventually.  School may be miserable now but this kind of thing doesn't go on at this magnitude when everyone is grown.

I used to run to my locker between classes.  On one such occasion, I switched classes and out of nowhere came a boy.  He grabbed a book, placed it against my butt and began humping my butt.  All the kids in the hallway were laughing.  I was on the verge of tears.  Not only was it humiliating, I was violated sexually.  I began to cry and screamed at him to "Get Away! You F!#@%$&!" 

Even now that day affects me.  Why me?  Did I have easy target written on my head?  What did he have to gain? Power? Popularity? School fame?  There has to be some sort of gain for a person to do something so completely warped.  The school guidance counselor took me into her office.  Everyone heard me scream that word.  All the teachers ran into the hallway.

I was sent to the office.  I explained to the guidance counselor what happened.  I was not a problem child.  I never got called in to the office for events I created.  I never toilet papered the bathroom, though someone tried to pin that one on me too.  I never even wrote on my locker.  I was not a problem.  I would have gotten in trouble for using that curse word I used had it been any other event like cussing for fun.

I almost did get into trouble.  I told the guidance counselor what happened and she knew that I'm not a liar.  She knew punishing me for using the words  I used would only make it worse for me emotionally.  The boys were reprimanded.  I have no clue what their punishment was.  I just know that this did not happen again.  I also know that they felt the need to place the blame on me.  They refused to take responsibility for their own actions.   I find that people who bully are not capable of accepting responsibility for the actions they create.  They have to place blame on the victim.

I almost think they need psychological help.  Clearly, a bully must have a few screws loose or something.  I grew up in domestic violence.  I can only imagine that a bully would grow up in the same condition but didn't know how to separate from it.  I made a choice not to follow that path.  A bully is much weaker than the one being bullied.